Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Blankety Blank

What do you write when you draw a blank? I have tried to write this over the last 2 weeks and every time I try nothing flows. I don’t know what to talk about… my ink well is dry. Why is it not happening for me? I don’t really know. I feel like I’m out of the loop right now, just going through the motions and not really in touch with my life at the moment. I also think some self-doubt is sinking in and with self-doubt always comes caution and a hesitation which basically means I cop out of doing whatever it is I’m meant to be doing. Every day is like the day before at the moment, I need a spark… something to kick start and make things fun again. I need my motivation back. But its ok cos ya see I do this all the time, I’m quite used to it by now. So why not write about that - not being able to write. I’m going to just start typing and see what happens…

My mam says my room is like a representation of my mind; when it’s scrambled and disorganised my room is all over the place. When I start to get my head together I tend to clean my room out and look at things in a new light. Today I was sitting on my bed, quite frankly doing nothing but wasting time online which I swore I was going to put a stop to, when I looked up and noticed my room. It’s a complete and utter mess with piles of things everywhere, things that I was meant to sort or put away, a full rubbish bin and just random clutter everywhere. I thought ugh oh I had taken my eye off the ball here and let stuff mount up again which as it happens seems to reflect where I am in my head too so my mam must be right about this one (she tends to always be right but shhh don’t tell her I said that).

I like to sit and look around me at times and take in everything that’s going on. I feel it’s healthy to do so, to question things and to check in on myself.  Am I happy here? Am I ok with the direction things are going in and if not what direction should I be going instead? I’m not writing as much as before, why? All the great intentions but when it really comes down to it, do I do any of it? I have been home sick the last few days with a bad cold and really sore throat so have had a lot of time for reflection on what I want out of life. Overall I’m happy, I know I am, yet why is it I don’t feel… fulfilled? I want more out of my life than what I have right now. I have more courses coming up (one in just over a week, I cannot wait! :D), I am finally getting a handle on a healthier lifestyle with nutritious food and plenty of water, I have a festival next weekend to look forward to, a gig and mini holiday at the end of the month… I mean I should feel like everything is good. Yet right now I feel like I need to shake it all up a bit; try something NEW.

The initial part of learning and growing from any situation in life is recognising when you have a problem or issue in the first place right? Ok well I am grasping that concept a lot the last year or so with just about every aspect of my life. I am starting to find the core little routines which I go autopilot on – almost subconsciously at times – that need to change for me to get different outcomes then what I am getting. At this point the Albert Einstein quote echoes somewhere in my brain: Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I keep expecting life to change and be different yet I keep reacting the same way to issues that I come across… why do I not notice this?? So that’s my new focus, things have to change for me to feel different. My reactions have to change, my motivation has to change. I tend to go all or nothing; full blast then I burn out and puff it’s over. That will not last so maybe I need to hold back a bit and try to keep a steady flow of motivation instead? I know I need to interact with humans more instead of via the internet or texting, I need to communicate more in general and I need to change the way in which I communicate too. I also think I’m missing the spontaneity my life at the moment. I am too safe and controlled… most of all I really need to let go of what other people think of me – even you reading this which scares me.

I am now gone way past any structure in this blog and have landed in a ramble but, considering that I couldn’t seem to write anything before this, I’m happy that I have gotten this far. Forgive me but I am only human and still fumbling about learning what it is I want to achieve with all of this… Anyway, I shall ponder over my jabberings above and come up with some sort of structure as to what I want to do about it all, get my ducks in a row as it were, and see if that will bring back my skills of writing for my next blog haha.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”  Winston Churchill


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