It appears I have turned into a see-saw; the moods of my blogs are rocking back and forth between positive and negative when I had set out thinking that they would try to be uplifting. Having said that I also said I would be honest and talk about things that people don’t tend to verbalise even though everyone may feel the same thing from time to time so I am trying to stay true to that. Right now I feel very frustrated with life. Due to uncontrollable circumstances, my projected goals which I wanted to reach this year have altered and I am left feeling in limbo for the next while. Maybe I should embrace it and come up with a new challenge in the meantime but right now all I can think about is how I am set back and things are slowing down for me yet again.
Ya see as I was growing up, I have somehow consciously but not intentionally given myself a personal time line for how I feel I should live my life. I have always pictured that I would reach certain life goals by certain ages and that my life would be “established” by now. In doing this, I have fallen trap to this schedule and each time that I take stock and see that I’m nowhere near that, I feel like I am failing in life. It’s a ticking clock. Tick “your 24…” tick “your 25…” tick “your now 26…” Have any of you seen the episode in Friends called The One Where They All Turn 30? There is a part where Rachel is sitting at the table with all the others and she starts to talk about at what age she would like to get married and start having kids. She lists off timelines and as she counts backwards, she realises she has passed some of them? Haha that’s me.
The part that I find the most frustrating is actually not the marriage/family situation, I know that will happen whenever it is meant to, it’s actually the job/living at home situation and the fact that I can’t seem to change that in the near future either. I vowed when I was 24 that I was going to move out… I’m now 26 and with the projected direction I’m heading in with my life, there is no way I can move out until at least this time next year which means I will be 27. That kills me. It actually hurts sometimes just thinking about it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m not welcome at home or anything of the sort, I just need to leave for my own sake. I want my own place and I want to be fully independent without having to run things past my parents. I see that as a natural thing when someone is an adult and the fact that I am still living at home makes me feel silly. I just can’t afford any other options at the moment so I have no choice.
Then again, who said life had to be a certain way? Who said you had to move out, find the love of your life, be in the midst of your career, looking to start a family all by a certain age?! And yet that’s all I seem to think about. That I should be doing those things and that I’m not. I want those things, I’m ready for those things but life hasn’t ended up that way so I can’t have those things right now which makes me feel… inadequate. Especially because literally everyone around me seems to be ahead of me in some form or another. I’m not looking for sympathy or reassurance by the way, I’m just expressing that right now I feel like I have a very straight forward “ok” life while everyone around me is DOING things with theirs.
I will have to find a way to be happy with my life where it is and try let go of my own pressure to be at a certain point in my life when I’m just not there yet… which is a hell of a lot easier said than done!
“I was an accomplice in my own frustration.” Peter Shaffer