Monday, 16 April 2012

"Sara's Mask"

I’m not perfect. In fact I have a lot of flaws, some that are obvious and some that maybe I hide just well enough that some people don’t notice them, but flaws which I clearly see on a regular basis. “No no no Sarah, that’s not true!” I hear you cry in unison but alas there was a time that all I could see around me where my own flaws and I started to believe that there was nothing positive or right about myself, almost define myself by them. I was so convinced that they were also blatant to others that I would spend a lot of my time and energy worried about how people seen me. I could never truly sit and enjoy whatever was going on around me as there was always some part of my brain conscious of how I was sitting or what I was saying or trying to read signals people where giving off in response to anything I did or said. It seems like I put a lot of pressure on myself – and yes I did – but to be honest I was so used to it, it was routine for me. I never expected for things to change even though I had always wished they would. 

My main issue was confidence; I didn’t have any at all. In fact the more I think of it the more I’m convinced everything else stemmed in some way or another from my complete lack of confidence in myself. The funniest thing about all this is to ask anyone around me people would say I’m an extremely confident chatty person. Sure I come from a very large, loud family (on both sides) which contains a lot of very strong personalities and more importantly very free-thinking, independent and confident women who really wouldn’t think twice to call you out on something if you overstepped the mark.  Growing up with that around me was a great, I was never afraid to speak my mind at home (I think there were a lot of times they wished I’d shut up!) and I had a lot of positive role models to learn from.  But appearances can be very deceiving; a lot of it was just a mask I put on. It’s as if somewhere along the line I just couldn’t connect the person I was in the house to the person I was out in the big bad world. I think everyone wears a mask at some point in their life; it’s a natural coping mechanism that people use when in a scenario they aren’t quite in control of… Sometimes you have to wear one like having a bad day while in work etc. but for me I felt like it was all the time and it disconnected me from people because I wore it so much. 

Over the years, well mainly the last 3 actually, things have dramatically changed for me. A lot of that was down to certain individuals in my life who through positive or negative influence caused me to see things differently. I learnt a lot of life lessons too which of course woke me up a bit not to mention the usual heartbreak thrown in for good measure. There were loads of factors which over time just seemed make me more aware of how introverted I really was. Now I’m a lot more confident in general (though I still do have the little voice from time to time on alert) and I’m slowly unfolding my wings a little. 

Other things that I noted about myself; I get very emotional very easily, I love to procrastinate when it comes to something significant or important – almost as if I can delay it until the very last second possible, I hate confrontation and would back down a lot rather than risk rocking the boat (this doesn’t apply to at home before Emma buts in to correct me on that ha), I have a tendency to beat myself up about things after they have happened or are out of my control, up until very recently I would not go through with plans that I had made – Id find some way of backing out of doing them… I really could go on and on here hahaha! Anyways, the point is I have loads of things I need to work on for myself and it seems to me that the only way I am able to get around this is to meet it head on,  realise who I really am and accept myself flaws and all. 

I’m not declaring that you should just accept ALL your flaws and do nothing about them either. I think who you are at your core and who you are as a person is good enough - is worthy enough for all the love and happiness you can grasp. We all have strengths and weaknesses but if there are things that you are unhappy about on the surface that don’t change you but enhance your life, then yeah you should work on them and give it everything you’ve got. I personally put so much emphasis on what role I play on this Earth, it's as if I would fail in life if I didn't live up to something which makes a difference. So much so that until I found the massage, I literally felt like a failure most of the time. Once you don’t lose yourself within the process of whatever your try to work on then it’s all gravy. I just think you should try your best and put your all into everything you do in life but I don’t think that you should define yourself by what results you get from that. This blog is me trying to be ok with the things that I can’t change, improve the things that I can and all the while maintain the core of who I am as a person; I’m striving for the best version of myself.

The reason why I’m talking about all of this is not to massage my own ego by talking about myself, it’s to share with you and put into practice something that I think society as a whole really needs to do; Talk about things openly.  It’s hard to do, it’s not something that everyone would welcome and I can assure you I’m nervous even trying it out here but I think it’s what people need. Why hide feelings and fears from each other? I know that if I read or talked to someone who felt like I did at that time then things might have been different. Maybe even easier…  

“The box is only temporary.”  Taken from Arrival of the Bee Box by Sylvia Plath

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