What do you write when you
draw a blank? I have tried to write this over the last 2 weeks and every time I
try nothing flows. I don’t know what to talk about… my ink well is dry. Why is
it not happening for me? I don’t really know. I feel like I’m out of the loop
right now, just going through the motions and not really in touch with my life
at the moment. I also think some self-doubt is sinking in and with self-doubt
always comes caution and a hesitation which basically means I cop out of doing
whatever it is I’m meant to be doing. Every day is like the day before at the
moment, I need a spark… something to kick start and make things fun again. I
need my motivation back. But its ok cos ya see I do this all the time, I’m
quite used to it by now. So why not write about that - not being able to write.
I’m going to just start typing and see what happens…
My mam says my room is like
a representation of my mind; when it’s scrambled and disorganised my room is
all over the place. When I start to get my head together I tend to clean my
room out and look at things in a new light. Today I was sitting on my bed, quite
frankly doing nothing but wasting time online which I swore I was going to put
a stop to, when I looked up and noticed my room. It’s a complete and utter mess
with piles of things everywhere, things that I was meant to sort or put away, a
full rubbish bin and just random clutter everywhere. I thought ugh oh I had
taken my eye off the ball here and let stuff mount up again which as it happens
seems to reflect where I am in my head too so my mam must be right about this
one (she tends to always be right but shhh don’t tell her I said that).
I like to sit and look
around me at times and take in everything that’s going on. I feel it’s healthy
to do so, to question things and to check in on myself. Am I happy here? Am I ok with the direction
things are going in and if not what direction should I be going instead? I’m
not writing as much as before, why? All the great intentions but when it really
comes down to it, do I do any of it? I have been home sick the last few days
with a bad cold and really sore throat so have had a lot of time for reflection
on what I want out of life. Overall I’m happy, I know I am, yet why is it I don’t
feel… fulfilled? I want more out of my life than what I have right now. I have
more courses coming up (one in just over a week, I cannot wait! :D), I am
finally getting a handle on a healthier lifestyle with nutritious food and
plenty of water, I have a festival next weekend to look forward to, a gig and
mini holiday at the end of the month… I mean I should feel like everything is
good. Yet right now I feel like I need to shake it all up a bit; try something
NEW.
The initial part of
learning and growing from any situation in life is recognising when you have a
problem or issue in the first place right? Ok well I am grasping that concept a
lot the last year or so with just about every aspect of my life. I am starting
to find the core little routines which I go autopilot on – almost subconsciously
at times – that need to change for me to get different outcomes then what I am
getting. At this point the Albert Einstein quote echoes somewhere in my brain: “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results.” I keep
expecting life to change and be different yet I keep reacting the same way to
issues that I come across… why do I not notice this?? So that’s my new focus,
things have to change for me to feel different. My reactions have to change, my
motivation has to change. I tend to go all or nothing; full blast then I burn
out and puff it’s over. That will not last so maybe I need to hold back a bit
and try to keep a steady flow of motivation instead? I know I need to interact
with humans more instead of via the internet or texting, I need to communicate
more in general and I need to change the way in which I communicate too. I also think I’m missing the spontaneity my life at
the moment. I am too safe and controlled… most of all I really need to let go
of what other people think of me – even you reading this which scares me.
I am now gone way past any
structure in this blog and have landed in a ramble but, considering that I couldn’t
seem to write anything before this, I’m happy that I have gotten this
far. Forgive me but I am only human and still fumbling about learning what it
is I want to achieve with all of this… Anyway, I shall ponder over my jabberings
above and come up with some sort of structure as to what I want to do about it
all, get my ducks in a row as it were, and see if that will bring back my
skills of writing for my next blog haha.
“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big
difference.” Winston Churchill
xx
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